Matthew C Cox Blog

This is part three of a true story told to me by one of my accounting clients. If you missed the first two posts, you may click here to read my recent posts.

I changed the names in this story to protect identities.

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“Would you like to talk about the recent attack?”

“Yes, I would. But this one was different. I’m not sure where to start.”

“Why don’t you start at the beginning?”

Tommy nods and Amy waits.

“The attack wasn’t much different from the others. I dreamed about my past. It frightened me. I called for you.”

“I understand.”

Immediately, Amy realizes she doesn’t understand. Tommy initially said this attack was more severe than previous attacks. However, it sounds like the others. What made this attack more severe than the others?

Suddenly, Amy is uncomfortable; she realizes Tommy doesn’t want to talk. She momentarily loses her composure until her training and professionalism kicks in. She thinks of a question to help him continue.

“What happened when you called for me?”

Amy knows the answer. She shows up in Tommy’s mind and the attack ends. 

Her uncomfortable feeling becomes a flash of fear. She knows she has no control over her appearance in Tommy’s subconscious during an attack. Still, she is afraid she didn’t help this time. Is this what he meant when he said it was more severe?

Even as she processes this thought, Tommy answers.

“You didn’t help me.”

Amy feels helpless. She asks another question.

“What happened then?”

Tommy hesitates. Then, with determined resolve, he dives into the story, knowing that once he starts, he can’t stop.

“I kept calling for you. You didn’t come. I thought about killing myself. I called for you again and someone else appeared. She claimed to be your mother.”

Amy’s face goes white and she shifts in autopilot mode as she attempts to disconnect from the emotions of the discussion. She asks the next question.

“When did this happen?”

“I met her last Tuesday morning at 2 AM.”

Amy stifles a gasp. Professionalism takes her forward.

“What did she say?”

“Amy is busy right now. The angels just came and took me away. Maybe I can help you. I’m her mom.”

Amy shifts in her seat.

“What happened with your attack?”

“It quit instantly…” 

Amy relaxes.

“…and since I knew I would be seeing you soon, I asked her if she would like to tell you anything. She said you were worried about what to do with the things she left behind and she told me to tell you what to do with her rings and dresses.”

Tommy describes the property in detail, along with the instructions.

Amy takes copious notes. Tommy isn’t sure if she’s writing personally or professionally and it doesn’t matter to him. His memory accurately describes the messages.

When Tommy stops, Amy asks one more question.

“What did this woman look like?”

Tommy tells her.

“Have you had any other attacks since then?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“That’s all the time we have for today. Thank you for coming in and I’ll see you next time.”

The next time Tommy visits for his appointment, he starts by meeting with one of Amy’s co-workers. I tell you about that meeting in my next post.

Like every other public building in Santa Fe, New Mexico, the Veterans Center Outpatient Clinic is faux adobe.  

Tommy barely notices. He has visited the clinic for years. He served the United States as a convert mission operative during the cold war. His activity was so secret that the Veteran’s Hospital initially denied him care because he wasn’t listed in the regular military databases.

However, after several phone calls and a solid a paper trail, Tommy qualifies for a regular series of appointments with a therapist for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

The therapist helps Tommy deal with the flashbacks that trigger in his subconscious. Her care is so consistent and effective that when he feels a flashback coming on, he only has to mention her name to experience relief.

Tommy only remembers small parts of his life in the armed forces. The parts he remembers are vivid, frightening, and life altering.

He remembers going into service as one man and returning home as another.

He starts training as a member of a force of two thousand. He ends training as a member of an elite group of three hundred. Seventeen hundred other men couldn’t make the elite fighting force. However, Tommy did.

Tommy learns how to kill people and destroy things. He learns so well that he always scores among the top ten in this elite force.

He isn’t obsessed with destruction. Tommy only wants to come home alive and healthy so he learns to be the best soldier he can be.

In addition, he reasons that since he is serving during peacetime, he won’t be facing combat.

He is wrong.

When they complete training, Tommy’s group receives orders for cold war missions to blow up buildings, clear land mines, and kill more people than he can remember.

Most of those events are locked somewhere in the back of Tommy’s mind. The memories are too painful to deal with in his conscious mind so they appear as nightmares. They sneak up on him to torture and petrify Tommy.

He doesn’t know what he would do if it wasn’t for Amy.

Amy is a therapist who specializes in helping Veterans deal with PTSD. She is his savior.

Tommy thrives on his sessions with Amy. She is a professional who understands his condition. She doesn’t judge him. She doesn’t doubt him. She listens and provides advice to help him survive his attacks.

She understands PTSD evolves. She understands the attacks often become more intense as the patient works through the emotions of his suppressed experiences.

Amy measures the progress through discussing the attacks.

This visit starts with small talk. When Amy senses Tommy is ready, she asks the question that indicates it is time to get to work.

“Have you had any attacks?”

“Only one, a severe one.”

The words hang in the air. Tommy breathes deeply. He sighs.

Amy waits. Tommy knows the path to freedom comes in processing the memories. He is always a willing participant, until today.

Will Tommy be able to tell her his experience? How will Amy react to the story?

Find out when you read my next post.