November, 2007
The air is cold against my face as I leave the store and head for the car. Three days earlier, I was enjoying an outdoor basketball game in beautiful sunny weather. Now, the day after Thanksgiving, the flying snow dampens my mood. By the time I arrive home, twenty minutes later and two thousand feet higher in elevation, the road is icy and the ground is white.
IÂ postponed winter in my mind as long as possible this year. New Mexico makes that easy to do. On a sunny day, 50 degrees feels like 75. I hope that by imagining the warmer temperature, I can delay winter forever. Now, the cold and snow tell me my deception has failed and winter will arrive this year.
I walk into the house to see our teenage children cuddled on the couch watching a movie. My wife, Sheri, is on the phone having an intense conversation.
“Who is she talking to?” I ask the kids.
Mary, our oldest daughter and the family socialite, responds. “I don’t know but somebody died.”
That’s something else I postpone in my mind: the subject of death.
I walk into my office and scroll through the caller ID numbers. I don’t recognize the number so it isn’t someone on my side of the family. Maybe it is some distant relative on Sheri’s side. Then again, maybe Mary misunderstood what happened when she was eavesdropping.
I postpone thinking about the inevitable and start to clear my desk so I can end my workday. We are decorating the house for the holidays tonight and the work will wait until tomorrow.
As I finish, Sheri walks in. I look up.
“You know that girl from Germany that signed up at the beginning of the month?”
I don’t. We own a couple of network marketing companies and several new people sign up each month. I see the names on the orders and reports but I’m hard-pressed to remember names unless I actually see the faces.
I screw up my face trying to remember while Sheri continues.
“She signed up at the beginning of the month. She had cancer but it was in remission. She was excited that she had found something to do. She really wanted to work the business. Now, the cancer came back and she died.”
I’m stunned. When we started the companies, I never considered our Members would die.
Network marketing is a business where people come and go. They join with good intentions. However, eighty percent of those people don’t stick with it longer than 4-6 months. A few leave and come back but most leave for good. I’m used to that. It is part of the business. I’m not used to Members dying.
How do I respond? The external responses are obvious. We send our condolences to the family. We look for ways to bless them.
Internally, I struggle. I feel guilty for postponing thoughts about negative things. I’m in a fog. I postpone thinking about winter. I postpone thinking about death. Am I not willing to face reality? My struggle continues throughout the weekend.
The following Monday, I receive an email from another Member in our company. He and his wife are realtors that use our products as “thank you gifts” for their clients.
We lost contact with them several months ago. Emails sent to their account bounced with a “closed account” message. They quit sending their monthly emails. I wondered if they had moved or closed their business. Mutual acquaintances told us they were unsuccessful contacting them also.
Their email explains why we have been out of touch with them. I reprint excerpts of it here with their permission.
A lot has happened in the recent past and we would like to bring you up to date on goings on in our family. About a year ago, Paul noticed a small growth under his right jaw, just below his molars. We watched a while and then ultimately went to our physician to check it out further. Consultations followed with surgeons and Paul’s Oncologist as well as naturopaths.
Long story short: Paul finally had surgery to remove the tainted lymph node. A biopsy indicated some good news and some “just news.” The good news is that there was NOT a reoccurrence of melanoma that Paul had had in 2002. The “just news” is that there was classic Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. The good news is that it appears that all of the diseased nodes have been identified and removed and that Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is very treatable and curable.
Bottom line: Paul is now cancer-free. So, what to do NEXT? Well, after praying and much consultation and visiting with medical experts and others, we chose to proceed with the recommended chemotherapy course of therapy, which is to last eight sessions (given every two weeks) followed by about a month of radiation therapy.
Where are we now? Well, Paul is bald. His hair started falling out not long after the chemotherapy started and, quite simply, looked pathetic. He finished the job with the razor. He started the chemo sessions in September. His last “chemo cocktail” is scheduled on December 10th, and he will be totally through with radiation treatments by the end of January – just in time for our trip to Hawaii. What a way to celebrate!
While this minor life setback has slowed Paul down a little bit, our business continues to do well as we surround ourselves with team members who can, and have, picked up the slack. Also, our clients and friends understand. One of them even calls Paul “Kojak” and gives him a Tootsie Roll Pop for good measure.
Paul’s Oncologist has been fascinated that we have chosen to plug in the chemo cocktail and radiation therapies around our lives and schedule instead of being controlled by those therapies. He said that our approach is more proactive and healthy that the other perspective – of having everything revolve around the therapy schedule.
What have we learned in all this? Being survivors (Judy survived breast cancer in 1999, and Paul survived melanoma in 2002 and Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in 2007) is an empowering status. We have learned that life is uncertain. Sometimes life is short; we cannot know what tomorrow will bring.
We have learned to enjoy each day for what it holds. We appreciate our family and friends and tell them often how much we appreciate them. We enjoy sunsets and sunrises. The list could literally go on for pages and pages . . .
And we appreciate YOU. You are an important part of our life. As always, please let us know if we can ever assist you with anything.
We wish for you a joyful and blessed holiday season. May you enjoy, truly enjoy, your fine health and those who love you fully.
Love & hugs to you,
Paul and Judy
As I read that email, I find my answer to why I postpone thinking about “negative” things. My fog begins to lift.
Let’s look at the lessons I learn from Paul and Judy’s email.
Lesson Number One – Good and bad are opinions we create with our filters. The truths is every event is perfection.
Notice that Paul and Judy received what they called “good news” and “just news”. There was no bad news to them. That was a conscious choice. I suspect Paul’s recovery accelerated because he saw the news of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma as “just news.”
Furthermore, Paul’s opinion of “good news” in the report was because of his personal filter regarding melanoma. He had experienced melanoma before so the report of “no melanoma” was “good news” to him. However, if Paul was hoping to die from the cancer, it could have been “bad news.”
As I look back on every joyous event in my life, I can think of people who were disappointed at the event. As I look back at every negative event in my life, I can see the positive lessons learned that make me who I am today.
I learn that differences in opinion come from personal filters.
The truth is every life experience is perfection. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It is perfection.
Lesson Number Two – Live each moment. The past is gone and the future isn’t here.
Buddha said, “The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.”
Jesus said, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Our western society tends to ignore the advice of the masters. We spend so much time mourning the past or planning the future that we miss today.
For example, insurance commercials tell us to plan for the unexpected.
Think about that.
The definition of “unexpected” means we don’t know what it is. How can we plan for the unexpected if we don’t know what it is?
Truthfully, it is impossible to accurately plan for tomorrow because it isn’t here yet. We don’t have enough facts to even think about it.
Notice that Paul and Judy considered what to do “next” when “now” arrived. Their email is full of examples of how they responded to events. However, they could only respond to each event as it happened – not before. They “learned to enjoy each day for what it holds.”
They live in the moment.
I learn from them that it is OK to “delay” what is not here yet.
Lesson Number Three – The only appropriate response to life is gratefulness.
Let’s look at the end of Paul and Judy’s email again.
We appreciate our family and friends and tell them often how much we appreciate them. We enjoy sunsets and sunrises. The list could literally go on for pages and pages . . .
And we appreciate YOU. You are an important part of our life. As always, please let us know if we can ever assist you with anything.
I’ve visited with Paul and Judy in their home and I know they mean it when they express their appreciation. They have shown me that the best way to respond to the moment of now, no matter what happens, is through gratefulness.
I learn that the best way to express gratefulness is through acts of generosity.
When we express gratefulness through generosity, we give life to all around us. We create a “flow.” The classical elements of nature (wind, water, earth, and fire) demonstrate this.
Each element functions at its highest capacity when there is movement. The wind blows, the earth drifts, fire burns, and water flows. This movement sustains physical life. When everything flows, we have peaceful, perfect weather with a combination of breezes, gentle rains and sunshine.
Paul and Judy’s cancer experiences reminded them to stay in the flow by generously giving their time to write an email and send it to me.
I now pass it on to you in this article.
My Personal Lesson – End the guilt trip!
I start by feeling guilty about not facing reality. I feel irresponsible and shortsighted.
After reading Paul and Judy’s email, I release my guilt for not thinking about negative things. No matter what the insurance commercials tell me, I don’t need to plan for the unexpected. Instead, I follow the advice of Buddha, Jesus, and Paul and Judy.
I observe my life without forming an opinion. I live each moment of now. I express gratefulness by generously giving to others.
As a result, I experience joy in all occasions. That includes the cold of winter, the death of a business associate, and an unexpected illness.
May your seasons of winter be joyful too!